Last update:
October 21st, 2004

Other stuff

Only In America

1.       Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of
a skating rink.

3.       Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

4.       Only in people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

5.       Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.

6.       Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7.       Only in we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

8.       Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)

9.       Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
‘bloodsucking creatures'.

10.   Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their  mouths closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid is
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money  called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest  traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they  are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

In case you needed further proof that the  human race is doomed through
stupidity,  here are some actual label instructions  on consumer goods

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while  sleeping. ( and that's the only
time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.Details
inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and thatwould
be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
it's"just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on  bottom): "Do not turn upside
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating."(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking
this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:  "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids
were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.

Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of
he comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some
of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight te,sticles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like
my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an ars,ehole on the top of it's head. (Billy
age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid
in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy
friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of
seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots
of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
fan,ny. (Julie age 7)

Quiz show cock-ups

Some of these are just brilliant !!!! Have fun!!

The Weakest Link, BBC1/BBC2
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.
Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen? Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
National Lottery Jet Set, BBC1
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the
initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?
Family Fortunes, ITV
1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France? F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitlers first name ? Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? Jock
9) Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race ? The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath ? Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair
14) A famous Royal ? Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate
19) A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs ? The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac ? April
22) Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep
24) Something you put on walls ? A roof
25) Something Slippery ? A conman
26) A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white ? A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies ? Bananas
30) Something Red? My sweater

The Afternoon Programme Quiz, ABC 774
Presenter: Who killed Cock Robin?
Contestant: Oh God, I didn't even know he was dead.

Lincs FM phone-in
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in

Steve Wright Show, Radio 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: The leader of the orchestra plays which musical instrument?
Contestant: The baton.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Expresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.
Wright: What was the animal referred to in Val Doonican's song Paddy McGinty's?
Contestant: I don't know.
Wright: It begins with a "G".
Contestant: Cow.

This Morning, ITV
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera.
True or false?
Contestant: True ?
Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American
TV show, so I'll give you that.

BBC Radio Newcastle
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four.

BBC GMR, Phil Wood Show
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

Daryl's Drivetime, Virgin Radio
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.


Over the hill

You know you are over hill when ....

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and

discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not

eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver license's picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your

money does.

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you

and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is not be reminded of your


12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make

sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with "Dr."

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on

your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your

head the whole time.

24. You have more patience, but actually it's just that you don't

care anymore.

25. You confuse having a clear conscience with a bad memory.

26. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling


27. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even

remember being on top of it.


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